


Everything You Need Me To Be

by Faded_BlueEyes



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Blood, Concerts, M/M, Publicity, Romance, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Slow Build, Touring, Triggers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-01
Updated: 2014-08-02
Packaged: 2018-02-11 06:49:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2058051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Faded_BlueEyes/pseuds/Faded_BlueEyes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Every day, he smiled and pretended like everything was okay.<br/>Every day, he performed and pretended like he was needed.<br/>Every day, he concealed that he was in love with his best friend.<br/>Every day, he laughed and acted like there were no scars upon his wrists.<br/>Every day, he shattered further.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> _How can you see into my eyes like open doors?_  
>  _Leading you down into my core where I've become so numb._  
>  -Bring me to life, Evanescence  
> Warning: Mentions of self-harm might be triggering.

It's funny how one small moment, few insignificant words and a brief comfort can change your whole perspective of life.

It all started on a day like any other. They woke up early (earlier than they should since Luke was a loud insomniac), got ready for the day and were then pushed into a car which would take them around different radio stations. They performed an acoustic song at one of them, played stupid games in the other two and almost fell asleep from boredom in the last one.

By the time they had to return to the hotel, the main street was blocked by screaming teenagers, pushing and shoving to get closer to the car and catch a glance at a member from 5 Seconds of Summer. Of course, Michael only made it worse when he opened his window, leaned out and waved to them with one of his big grins present on his face. The pushing intensified and the car slowed down.

Calum wasn't far behind him, pushing past Michael to look out at the fans. Ashton opened his own window but unlike the other two, stayed inside the car since the driver continued nagging that they were making it worse. Luke, stuck in between all of them, huffed. 

Noticing Luke's frown, Ashton sat back and turned to him. “What's with the frown, Lukey?” Luke managed to crack a small smile at the nickname, which the band had taken to calling him. Or, well, it was mostly Ashton.

“Tired.” He murmured in a reply and slouched down in his seat so that his head was level with Ashton's shoulder. He laid his head down on it and pushed a bit closer to Ashton, avoiding Calum's flailing legs as he and Michael fought over the place in the window.

Ashton smiled and said nothing more. This was nothing unusual. Luke did always get tired the quickest; Ashton considered it was the fact that he got more nervous than the rest of them which tired him out in the end, but Calum and Michael always said that he used up all of his energy growing even taller.

Once they got to the hotel room, they headed to the room they all shared. They usually got one large room or split into two and got two rooms. Having one room was more practical since they could all hang out together without having to walk there and back all the time. Things happened and many times people ended up being locked out. 

Once in the room, Michael took over the couch and grabbed the Xbox remote, turning on a game he loved. When it came to hotel rooms, Michael's first choice was always the one with the Xbox. Calum fell head first into bed, followed by Luke who fell right onto him while Ashton made his way to the mini fridge in search of the leftover pizza they had ordered.

“Hey, Ash,” Luke called out, his voice drowsy. With a piece of pizza between his teeth, Ashton turned around and hummed in reply. “I know you're going for the whole punk rock look, but don't you think you're exaggerating slightly with all the bracelets?” Luke pointed out.

Ashton froze for a simple second, his heart skipping a beat in a flutter of worry that he's been found out. Luke was right; he normally wore a lot of bracelets, but in comparison, today had been a completely different amount. It covered the whole of his wrists, and he was glad.

He quickly plastered on a smile and pulled the pizza slice away from his mouth. “You jealous of my cool style, Lukey?”

Luke shot him a playful dirty look before dramatically letting his head fall back to the bed, bumping it right into Calum's who groaned in pain at the contact. Luke giggled and shoved his head away, getting into a more comfortable position.

“Guys! This is no time for sleeping!” Michael called from the couch. “I'm still the FIFA champion, and I'm bored of the title.” He whined. He looked over to Ashton who quickly shook his head and backed away; no way was he playing FIFA.

It became relatively quiet after that, with Calum and Luke murmuring about one of the radio shows they did while Michael continued playing and Ashton became busy on his laptop.

It only changed when Ashton brought his hand up, biting on the new slice of pizza and out of the corner of his eye saw something fall. He looked down at the bed and spotted a small, red stain on the white cover. Putting the pizza down, he instantly panicked and got out of the bed, quickly moving towards the bathroom.

He closed the door behind him and began taking all the bracelets off, watching as a few drops of blood fell to the sink. With the bracelets off, his thin wrists were revealed, marked with new scars. One of those new wounds had opened up and continued to bleed. He cursed and found some cotton buds, quickly placing them to the wound and hoping the bleeding would stop soon.

“Ash?” There was a knock on the door. “Are you alright? You rushed to the bathroom pretty quickly.” He cursed under his breath at Luke's voice on the other side of the door.

“I'm fine.” He called, opening the tap and letting the water clean out the blood in the sink. “I just really needed a piss.” He pressed too hard on one of the wounds and hissed, which made his voice hitch slightly by the end of the statement.

It was then he wished he had locked the door.

The door opened and Luke came in, his eyebrows furrowed as his head poked in. Ashton quickly hid his hands behind his back, casually leaning against the sink where the water still ran. “What the hell? I could have been holding my dick in my hand and having a piss.” Ashton spoke up, eyebrows furrowing slightly.

Luke sneered and rolled his eyes. “Not the first time I'd see that.” He opened the door more and came into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. “Are you sure you're alright?” He asked again, his eyes still slightly drowsy from sleep.

“Why wouldn't I be?” Ashton asked, forcing a small smile on his lips. The wrist behind his back was stinging more now.

“You look like you just killed someone and hid the body here somewhere.” Luke pointed out with a shrug which made Ashton automatically drop the smile on his face, which was giving away everything. Luke frowned as he looked over the scene again. Then, his eyes focused on something on the ground.

Ashton followed his gaze and his face became blank once he saw the blood on the floor.

It was then that panic set into Luke's eyes and he immediately came forward, to which Ashton took a step back. Having Luke find out was probably the worst case scenario.

“Ashton,” Luke started and Ashton knew it was serious when he used his full name. Luke turned off the tap and scanned over Ashton once again before taking a step forward. From the corner of his eye, he also saw all the bracelets lying by the sink.

“Luke, don't.” Ashton spoke quickly but to no use. Luke grabbed his arm and pulled it forward, his eyes widening slightly at the new scars upon the older boys' wrists.

Neither of them said anything for a moment, before Luke sighed and reached for a cotton bud, wetting it slightly before gently pressing it to the wound which continued bleeding.

This wasn't the first time he found out about Ashton doing this to himself. Back when Ashton first joined the band, Luke saw the scars and asked him about them. Ashton convinced him he was done with it now, but now that this happened, Luke couldn't help but feel slightly betrayed. He cleaned the wound for the next few minutes, with neither of them saying anything.

When he was done, he sighed and looked up into the hazel orbs of the other boy, a sad frown on his face. “I thought you stopped.” He whispered.

Ashton didn't reply for a second, looking down to the ground with shame. “I did for a while.” He pointed out.

He didn't need to say any more. Luke, with a frown still upon his face, pulled him forward, his arms wrapping around the shorter boy tightly. Ashton had no choice but to hug back, his fingers gripping the back of Luke's shirt as he willed the tears to stay away. He would have preferred it if Luke was mad at him, if he was yelling and starting a scene. But this Luke, the one who felt sorry, the one who understood and the one who willed to be with him through every step, was unbearable.

When they pulled away, Ashton couldn't look into those baby blue eyes, which held so much sadness in them. He was disappointed with himself. “Ash,” Luke spoke, trying to get his attention. “I'm not mad. This isn't about me.” He spoke silently. “I just want you to feel better.”

Ashton nodded slowly but didn't say anything. Luke knew that they would speak when Ashton was ready. “I know that it might be hard to promise me to stop, or to come to me when you feel like doing it...” Luke started again. “But I'm here for you.” He looked down at the scar again and gently ran his thumb on the smooth skin around it.

“Thanks.” Ashton finally managed to whisper.

Luke smiled, and it was at that moment that a loud knock vibrated the door. “Come on, guys! What the hell is taking so long?” Calum exclaimed from outside. “I need a piss! And the only acceptable explanation for you being there so long is that you're fucking.” He paused and groaned. “If you are, warn us because we definitely do not want to take showers there again.”

Ashton managed a small chuckle while Luke replied that they're coming out. Ashton grabbed the bracelets and headed for the door before Luke stopped him by grabbing his arm. “Just...” He started, looking down at bare wrist. “Try, Ash.” He finished and, keeping his gaze still on Ashton's, brought the drummer's hand up, his lips ghosting over the wounded skin of his wrist.

Ashton felt the skin there get hot instantly and a shiver travelled up his spine, but Luke said nothing more and simply walked out of the bathroom, calling Calum a 'hairless mole' while he tried to push past the brunet.

The drummer pulled the bracelets back into place and headed out, almost being knocked over by Calum who continued whining that he almost pissed his pants.

Michael was still in his spot on the couch, playing a different game, however. It was amazing how still he could be and for how long when he got into a gaming mood. Luke was currently sat on a bed with his guitar in his hands, his fingers mindlessly strumming over the strings and creating a peaceful, mellow sound in the room.

Ashton had to stop and watch him for a second. Something was different; those few words, the gentle kiss Luke left on his skin, the emotion in those big, baby blue eyes. Ashton couldn't help but appreciate how good Luke looked while he sat there, still in his jeans but with just a Nirvana shirt on, without his jumper. His quiff had flattened slightly and added to the tired look he was sporting, and the bags under his eyes reminded Ashton that Luke had trouble sleeping, and the two different coloured socks showed that Luke was too tired to try and find two of the same colour. And even though he wasn't at his best, he lit up the room.

It wasn't anything about his looks, it was just something about Luke. It was the way his eyes crinkled slightly when he smiled, or how he kept giving out those small, half-smiles while he was playing guitar, or how he closed his eyes and nodded his head to the music, losing himself in it.

Ashton had long ago given in to the fact that he didn't just like girls; why should you restrict yourself to just half of the world's population, when you can have all of it? But he never thought of Luke that way. There were moments where he appreciated that, like when they walked around half naked around each other, but now, he would be lying if he said he didn't find Luke good looking. And that was a problem.

He could find Luke's little quirks adorable, but when it came to having a crush, this was probably the worst case scenario. They were in a band, after all. A band which had just become super famous (which he still couldn't believe) and going out with your band mate was a strict no-no from where he was standing.

“Hey, Ash,” He snapped out of his thoughts at the sound of Luke's voice and looked up, his hazel eyes connecting with those baby blue orbs. “Can you help me out? I need a quiet beat to go with this.”

Without a second thought, Ashton nodded, grabbed his small, portable drum kit and sat down on the bed next to Luke. When Luke turned to look at him and their gaze met, Ashton couldn't help one thought which kept swirling in his head.

_He was so screwed._


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
> _I just can't look it's killing me_  
>  _And taking control_  
>  -Mr. Brightside, The Killers 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: self harm.  
> The story pretty much revolves around it, so from here on, I will not be showing the warning in each chapter.

People always want to know what it feels like. There's a sting when you first slice at the skin, and your heartbeat picks up at the sight of blood because you know you've done something you shouldn't have, something you promised not to do again, and you got away with it. Then you go into a trance, because it's truly remarkable: the release. For a moment, you feel like an eagle; you fly like you are a part of the wind, you soar through the clouds, you dive through the brush of trees, wild and carefree.

When reality kicks in, you grab some toilet paper and press hard against the bleeding wound. You feel embarrassed and ashamed. Any relief that was there a minute ago, it is all gone and transformed into dread in the pit of your stomach. You promised yourself last time would have been the last time, but you did it again and let yourself (as well as others) down, again. It's an addiction. So you hide the evidence under layers and throw the bloody tissues in the toilet, hoping it's that easy to hide.

But it never is.

“Yo, Ashton! We're going to check out the games room downstairs, are you coming?” Calum called loudly from the other side of the door and Ashton immediately went around getting rid of all the evidence and putting all the bracelets back on.

“Yeah!” He called back and looked into the mirror, running his hand through his hair to make it look slightly more presentable and plastering on a large smile, hoping it looked real enough.

When he walked out of the bathroom, he bumped into Luke, who gave him a careful look over before proceeding into the bathroom. He smiled in return and followed Calum out of the door.

The games room was quite impressive for a hotel that didn't always get the best reputation. It was enough to keep them busy for a while, before Michael started nagging that he was hungry and they should go get pizza. Calum agreed, but Luke tried to be the responsible one once again, quickly pointing out that the hotel was still surrounded by fans, even though it was 1AM.

Settling with just ordering food from the hotel, they started heading back to the rooms. In the lobby, however, they were met with a few fans who seemed to have snuck past security. Calum congratulated them on the deed before proceeding to hug the crying girls. They signed a few things and took a couple of pictures and Ashton couldn't help but ponder on his own thoughts.

What was he doing in this band? He was a decent singer, but there were many much more talented people with great voices and the band already had Luke and Calum on main vocals; the two were incredible after all. Michael was extraordinary since he could play the guitar in his sleep (as proven in the past) and came up with new and fresh tunes for songs daily. If it wasn't enough that Calum was an amazing singer, he also played the bass, which none of the others played. Drummers, however, were easily replaceable. Did he even deserve to be in this band?

And the fans could see that too. After all, Luke did seem to have the largest following, which might have also been to do with that fact he was absolutely gorgeous. In comparison, Ashton's hair was wild and untamed, he didn't have any cool piercings and he wasn't extremely tall. Really, even though he was the oldest in the band, he was the shortest. That surely wasn't attractive. The fans probably wouldn't even care if he left the band, the other three were completely fine before he joined, after all.

“Ash!” He looked up at Luke waving him over and stood by the giant in the picture. The girl showed them the picture and once again, Ashton saw all the little things he just thought of in real life. But he didn't say anything. He simply grinned, made a comment about Calum's eyebrows and moved onto the next person, posing for a picture she was taking with him.

He could feel Luke's gaze on him from time to time as they signed things, but he ignored it. He didn't have the courage to speak with Luke, and ever since a few days back when his feelings started changing, he hardly had the courage to even look at the handsome blond.

So he did what he usually did. Faked a smile, made a lame joke, made fun of Calum and then left to go back to their room, where he put on his headphones and fell asleep dreaming of baby blue eyes.

~~*~~*~~

They were pulled out of their routine when their tour happened to clash with other artists, and all the members of One Direction showed up by their hotel door, bringing gifts and even more fans to surround the hotel.

Where Ashton hoped for a quiet night of song writing, he got the music blasting loud, alcoholic drinks and story time. Harry pointed out all the new tattoos he got since they saw each other last time, with Louis paying the most attention when it came to Harry's bare skin. Zayn played games with Michael and Liam, all of them yelling at the screen. Niall had taken to talking to Luke, since they have always gotten along well together and Ashton felt strangely out of place as Louis started reciting a hilarious fan accident which seemed very rehearsed at this point. Zayn and Niall pointed out the same.

The real trouble began when the hotel staff came around at around 2AM and told them that, unfortunately, they would have to turn the music down. The girl who had been sent looked very uncomfortable while she said so, and Ashton could see why since she was basically telling off celebrities (as if they were celebrities), but she was quickly charmed by Niall and his quirky Irish accent when he assured her it was alright.

The loss of music resulted in them having to do different activities. While Ashton had tried to keep away from everything going on, he was now pulled by Harry into the circle quickly evolving, with Calum announcing that they were playing spin the bottle.

Honestly, it wasn't the first time they played this. It seemed that all the One Direction members were very comfortable with each other and pretty much forced that comfort onto him and the boys during the time they all spent on tour together. Kissing each other was no big deal. Especially when under the influence of alcohol.

Calum spun the bottle first, and when it landed on Michael, his eyes widened and he tried to spin again before Harry stopped him, clearly entertained. Michael scrunched his face up when Calum neared him and Ashton couldn't help, but smile when Calum quickly pecked Michael on the lips and then backed away, wiping at his own lips.

“That was not a kiss!” Louis joined, pointing at them accusingly.

“Here, Cal, I'll teach you a few things.” Michael spoke up and leaned in, placing his lips firmly on Calum's and moving them once, holding for a second before he pulled away with a proud smirk. Calum looked at him with wide, afraid eyes before shrugging and handing Michael the bottle. When the bottle landed on Zayn, he didn't hesitate much, even going as far as yelling 'gaming buddy!' and jumping over the bottle to tackle Zayn. It resulted in a few laughs, and Michael returned to his seat, unashamed.

Ashton couldn't help but stare at the bottle intently, willing it to miss him. It did for some time. Zayn kissed Louis, Louis kissed Liam, Liam kissed Michael, Michael kissed Niall, Niall kissed Louis, Louis kissed Calum, Calum kissed Harry and then.... the bottle landed on Ashton. Harry couldn't help but whoop, making a remark about how Ashton hadn't been getting involved.

He didn't have anything against Harry. After all, as many people would agree (both girls and boys alike), Harry was rather good looking. Harry just wasn't the person Ashton was hoping to kiss. The kiss was brief, but to make a show, Harry ran his fingers through his hair and laughed when he pulled away, leaving Ashton to try and sort his hair out with a small, embarrassed smile.

Ashton wasn't big on praying, but he genuinely prayed for the bottle to land on Luke next. His eyes followed each movement and turn of the bottle and as it slowed down and neared Luke, he felt himself tense. Just a bit more... and then too far, it landed on Niall.

He always did comment that Niall was very good looking, but perhaps he was just too biased towards blondes with blue eyes. Niall gave him a small smile and leaned across the circle, connecting their lips. Ashton hardly had time to react before Niall was pulling away with a wink.

It was the next turn, he completely dreaded. It was when Niall spun the bottle and it pointed right beside him, right at Luke. The others cheered, since Luke didn't have a turn yet. Niall murmured something to him, which Ashton assumed was about his lip piercing, before Luke shook his head and Niall proceeded forward.

Ashton felt ashamed when a little monster called Jealousy clawed at his stomach, wanting to get out, wanting to rip him apart and yell that Luke was his. But he wasn't. So he let the monster rage, but simply grinned and cheered with the others.

When they pulled away, a blush formed on Luke's cheeks and he instantly looked away. Ashton, however, caught the uncomfortable gaze of Niall, who sent him a look which Ashton thought was supposed to mean something. He shrugged it off and grinned when Niall announced that he was getting tired and they should be getting back anyway, since it was now 4AM and they all had to be up early.

Once the boys left, Michael was the first to pass out while Calum went to take a quick shower and Luke began cleaning up all the mess, pointing out that it would be unfair for the staff to clean all of it tomorrow. Ashton helped for a while, even opened the window to let some fresh September air in.

He changed and cautiously looked around, making sure everybody was busy while he took everything off his wrists and quickly crawled under the covers of the double bed. He was sharing a room with Michael this time, but he watched Calum come out of their bathroom in just his boxers and quickly run to throw himself under the covers of Michael's bed. Calum was always getting strange cravings about cuddling.

The lights were turned off and he sighed, the soft mattress under his tired body feeling great. However, there was an itch inside him, clawing and clawing at him to move. He could still feel the pain of tonight: the pain of jealousy, the pain of being useless, the pain which never left. Cutting was a different kind of pain, and it helped to forget all the other kinds.

He was about to get out of bed and head for the bathroom when the mattress squeaked loudly as another person threw themselves next to Ashton. He looked up and instantly found Luke's bright blue eyes in the darkness, staring at him tiredly.

“Luke?” He whispered as Luke slid under the covers and sighed, his warm breath fanning Ashton's face.

“It's fucking freezing out.” Luke muttered, burying his head further into the pillow and wrapping the covers tighter around him. His eyes opened when Ashton didn't say anything more. “You're acting like this is the first time I've done this, Ash.” He pointed out with a chuckle.

Ashton gave him a small smile in return, his eyes roaming that handsome face for a second while Luke closed his eyes and shuffled closer. Luke was right; cuddling was a massive plus of being with this group of boys and they sometimes laughed about it before pointing out that they should all just get some warm, cuddly, body pillows or something.

When Luke's warmth enveloped him, the clawing feeling was gone for a second. For a second, he pretended like nothing was wrong. He pretended that Luke returned his feelings. He pretended that he wasn't broken.

And for that second, it worked, and he fell asleep with Luke's face right next to his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, the updates will come very slow now, since this is just a side story.  
> But thank you guys for all the kudos and comments! I'm glad you like it so far :)  
> [Tumblr](http://surveycorpscastiel.tumblr.com/)

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is my first story for the 5sos fandom. I haven't been here long, but I pretty much spent the last couple of days researching everything I ever could. I hope it's bearable.  
> I'd be really grateful if you guys left a review and told me whether I should continue this story. I absolutely adore those guys and I just hope you guys will like it, too. 
> 
> I would also like to point out that everything I write might not be correct. I have not had any personal self-harm experiences so I can't know what it all feels like. I'm basing this slightly on what my friend went through and trying to incorporate some of the thoughts I've had before. If I offend anybody, please do tell me. 
> 
> I hope you guys liked it, and thanks for reading.  
> [Tumblr](http://surveycorpscastiel.tumblr.com/)


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